What I Have Learned From Living On My Own

I have wanted to "grow up" and "be an adult" since I was 13, hence my last post writing a letter to myself. When I turned 18 a year ago, I had it in my head that I wanted to have the responsibilities of a grown up but I didn't move out until I was almost 19. So I saved for a year and went searching for an apartment. A month before I turned 19, I moved out. My parents weren't very supportive of the idea because they thought it was a mistake. I went ahead and did it, anyway. At first, I had quite a bit of money saved up. Well, that money quickly left my bank account before my next month's rent and bills. I couldn't believe how fast it went. Crazy.

Then I got this crazy idea in my head to use my credit card. I was barely making it as it was and I kept having to used the money I was saving up on all my bills. I had no extra money except for on my credit card. Over the course of the next 3 months, my credit card was maxed out in which I bought severely expensive items like clothes, shoes, designer purses and jewelry, food I didn't need, etc. I was barely able to buy groceries because my credit card was gone and I was afraid to write checks or pull cash out of the bank so I could pay my rent and other necessary bills. You want to know the worst part? I wasn't paying my tithe. I had spent all my money on me. None of it went to God. I was incredibly selfish.

Not to mention, during this bad time in my life, I was eating a lot more. I was lonely and never saw anyone. I'd buy any food I was craving because it was giving me a comfort I hadn't felt in over a year. Before I knew it, I was 35-40 lbs over my regular weight. My parents starting noticing it and so did everyone around me. I was buying things because I was trying to fill a void. I was doing all the wrong things and I wasn't opening my Bible and giving God the time of day. I was trying to do everything myself because I thought I could.

My boyfriend at the time was also starting to notice my habits. He confronted me about them and I pushed them away and told him I was taking care of it. He backed off for a while and then started noticing all these new things I had at my apartment, so then he got really worried and confronted me about it again. He was starting to become angry with me, just like I thought he might be... which is why I tried to hide everything from him.

Soon after that, my dad found out about my finances which were then exposed to my whole family. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I couldn't believe I had gotten myself into that mess. My dad is now having to bail me out and my college money is being used to pay off my stupidity. Not the way I wanted to prove to my dad I could be an adult.

After all of this went down, I finally told God, "I need you. I can NOT do this alone. I am not doing things right and I have wanted to do things my way. This isn't what I should be doing. I need you to show me how to do the right thing in Your eyes." So, I gave my prayers up to God. I had an epiphany and wanted to change the way I was living. I wasn't doing anything to glorify God. I was doing everything to glorify myself. Every area of my life was being compromised because God wasn't in the picture. All my relationships with people were falling apart, my money was gone, I was in the hole, my laundry was piling up, I was buying things I didn't need, barely had money for the things that mattered, and I would thank God every Friday when my paycheck came to make sure I was able to pay my rent. I was doing the complete opposite of being a grown up.

I have realized that trying to make a living isn't an easy thing to do. I thought I could do it with no problem, but I was dead wrong. I put God on the back burner and put what I wanted in front of me. God allowed for this to happen, which makes me realize He was trying to teach me something I wasn't allowing anyone to tell me. I had to figure things out the hard way, which is why I wanted to write this all down as a reminder of my need for a Savior. I need Jesus way more than I ever care to admit. I need Him to help me get through the months with my food, rent, insurance, medical bills, everything. I tried to do this alone and it got me in the hole.

Now that this is out of the dark, I have decided to change my outlook on life. I started to open my Bible again and consume my mind with good thoughts and prayer. I watch less Netflix. Netflix consumed my life for those months and I chose to be lazy. But because of my recent change, I have decided to allow myself to watch limited amounts of TV, give God at least 15-20% of what I have earned, read my Bible and listen to 1-2 sermons a day, pray for a good amount of time, start a healthier lifestyle, work out, and go to sleep at a sensible hour. These might seem like no changes at all, but they are HUGE changes to me. This is the most drastic change I've seen in my life in over a year. I have been praying that God will give me the strength to move on from this minor set back in life and I have asked him to help me gain a better mindset about the things He has given me.

I hope this helps someone.



XOXO