When I started this blog years ago, I had given the name of it some thought. I was really into French at the time (high school, am I right?) and I didn't want to come up with something random. I wanted to come up with something that meant something to me and thus, "La Vie En Rose" was born. It's actually a song famously sung by Edith Piaf and later Louie Armstrong. What it means is that you view life through rosy colored hues or a "happy lens". The first time I heard the song, I sobbed. It was beautiful. There's something beautiful about viewing your life through "rosy hues". At the time of this blog, I did view my life that way. But as of lately, I haven't been doing this. It might be why I haven't been able to write. I had such an inspiration for writing in high school, but my life was different then.
My whole life I have spent time journaling, promising myself I would be better at expressing myself. Truth is, I haven't touched a journal in years. I have 8 journals on my shelf that have empty pages in each one of them I started. I have never really been able to finish them. It hurts to look back and read it, but at the same time I am a nostalgia junkie. I can even tell you how I was feeling at the time that I wrote my previous journal entries. I know right where I was when I wrote them, and which ones I've had tears in my eyes writing.
To be honest, I've focused a ton of my time on people or things that left my life shortly after and I didn't think to write about the pain it caused me. I just shoved it down and avoided it at all costs. Well, that crashed and burned this week when I sobbed out all of these pent up feelings I've felt for the last 6 months. All the pain I have buried deep down came up, like a wave on the ocean crashes. It caught me totally off guard. I never really expected it to happen the way it did, but I am so glad it happened when it did. I had the time to actually mourn the loss I was feeling. A love I once had is now lost. It's the past, even if it's been 6 months. It was destined to fail anyway because of all the particulars involved and I needed to flush out all the pain. It only takes so much before a person loses it, and I had definitely lost it.
After reading this far, you can see I have gone through so much in my lifetime, especially in the last 6 years. I've spent the majority of that time angry with myself because I said or did something stupid. There were things I've said or done that changed the trajectory of my life and I was having trouble dealing with that, which led to me projecting anger on other people. Unfortunately, I have carried a lot of regret and burden with me in regard to my past. I haven't truly let myself feel my feelings and actually move on with my life. You can't really move on if you can't forgive yourself for the past or anyone else.
One thing that's been the hardest thing for me to process is that things really do happen for a reason. Even if it's not the way I would have wanted it... it always happens the way it's meant to. Many things in life never happened the way I thought they would... and other times, things did happen that I thought wouldn't happen in a million years. For instance, I've loved someone who didn't love me. I didn't love someone who loved me. I've broken hearts and my heart has been broken. My best friends stabbed me in the back, and I've hurt my friends too. My best friend locked me out of her life when I told her the truth and I've shut out people who have hurt me badly. Each one of these painful things has brought me where I am today, even if it was 6 months ago (which for the record, it was). My biggest goal in this phase of my life is to try to let go of the past. You can't stay stuck in the past and you certainly shouldn't wallow over it.
I am not the same girl who started this journal less than 10 years ago. I was still a teenager and didn't know what life's challenges would bring. I have been through some really tough stuff, but I am a better person for it. I still have the same woes as the teenage Megan did, but here's the difference... I'm a grown adult now. I can face what's coming at me. I can use this frustration to fuel every workout I have at the gym. I can make myself a better person and actually grow. I just have to look at my life differently. I have to look at the positive things instead of always focusing on the negative.
