The Last Seven Years

I was browsing through my blog tonight and I realized that I started this blog seven years ago, in my sophomore year of high school! SEVEN. I look back and I think, "Where has the time gone?!" I honestly can't believe it was that long ago. So you might ask, what does seven years have to do with this? Well, I was a totally different person back then. I'm not the same naive, drama queen I used to be. I have a thicker skin than I used to and I don't cry near as often. This is HUUUUUGE milestone, believe me.

I'm a much stronger woman. I don't allow people to walk all over me as much anymore and I say what I have to, to defend myself. I cut people out of my life that I felt needed to be cut. It was hard and I've had to burn a lot of bridges, but it was what I needed to do. I've also gotten my heart broken a few times. I went through a really tough season (spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally) there for a while....but I learned so much from it. I never realized how much power I actually had until I decided for myself  that I wanted to leave that entire lifestyle behind. I didn't want people talking in my ear telling me to stop, I wanted to do it of my own volition. That's when I realized how far I've really come over the last several years.

While I have gotten stronger in many areas, I still have one area that needs improvement. MONEY.  I spend a lot more money on food than any person should. My savings account is a lot smaller than it should be and my credit card bill is always high. What's funny to me is that I used to be very good at saving my money. I'm not sure what events transpired that made me change that, but I started getting the desire to be tan, have manicured nails every two weeks, blonde, and pay for designer brand clothing. They were just "wants" because I was depressed and wanted to fill the God-filled hole in my heart with trivial things, not God. To this day, I'm still learning to do this and I've improved immensely. However, I hope in seven years that I have broken this cycle and learn to become the adult that I need to be.

I realize that this is probably a very scatter-brained post and I'm sorry for that (It's 5:45 in the morning, so cut me some slack), but I wanted to get my thoughts out. I really wanted to write about how much I've changed in seven years. Seven years is a LONG time for growth. Especially if seven years ago, you were fifteen years old and didn't know what the heck you were doing with your life. I've made a lot of mistakes in seven years, half of which were my own fault and could've been avoided. But if I hadn't done what I did in the last seven years, I wouldn't have grown in the areas that I did. I wouldn't have excelled or improved at all. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and I'm excited to keep improving.

My Fitness Journey

Hi there, welcome to my blog! I haven't written in a while, but since I'm back I thought I would write about something I've been growing a passion for: fitness. For the past two years, I've made a New Years Resolution to get my health back on track. My fitness journey never truly became important to me until this year, because this is the heaviest I've ever been (more on that later). Looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I looked like was the biggest motivator for me to make a change.

My entire life I was relatively healthy. What I mean by healthy is that I rarely got sick, never was overweight, or had serious health problems. That changed in 2015. I went to two extremes where I either ate a lot or didn't eat at all. I gained a lot of weight. Fast food was my go-to food of choice (shudders). I never learned how to cook while living at home with my parents. I never had a fitness regimen because I didn't think it was important. The weight gain was short lived and lost all of it and more, but still didn't change my ways. After about a year, I moved to a new apartment and slowly noticed my weight gain again. This time, I gained over 60 pounds.

I was the most overweight than I had ever been. I was the most unhealthy I had ever been. I had been dealing with a lot more on my plate than I had the last time but about the same on the depression level. Food was my coping mechanism, so I continued to eat all the time and never stopped. There were times that I wanted to change and lose my weight, but I didn't want it bad enough. I moved back home and started living with my parents again. I started to lose weight (because I had to) and cared more about what I was eating. It was a big change, but a big change that I really needed!

Despite all the pain, stress, depression, coping I went through, I realized that this is a lifestyle change. A lifestyle of fitness is all about balance. It's not something you start and then quit when things don't pan out the way you expect. You just keep going. You can still eat the foods you enjoy, but in moderation. You can eat pizza. You can eat ice cream. You can eat popcorn. You can eat whatever you want. You don't need to restrict yourself from certain foods to see results. However, it's very essential to keep a consistent fitness and diet plan, but one that that you can tweak to fit your life and your needs. It's something you should love doing, not dread. It's a process. You won't see results in the first week. I sure didn't. It has taken me forever to get to this place, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I love who I am now. I know that I have a long way to achieve my ultimate goals, but I'm excited to go through the process. I'm learning to cook my own meals now. I'm constantly trying to do something out of my comfort zone. I allow myself to make mistakes because I'm a human. If I cheat on a meal, I do better for the next one. I tweak what I need to based on my mental, emotional, and physical health. I care very much about my body and who I am. I care very much about my health and what I look like. 

My Heart Speaks Part 2

In a little over a month, I will be twenty-two. It's really crazy, considering ten years ago I thought twenty-two was "old". *insert laughing/crying emoji here* But really, I'm still very young. I have so much life ahead of me. I definitely feel like I am a bit behind in life, considering most people my age are finishing college and off to their "adult jobs". I dropped out of college, moved to a different town, took a few different jobs, and landed myself at a grocery store job. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not where I want to end up.

I know that I am currently where I am at because of my limitations. But on the bright side, I have a steady paycheck, I'm able to get from Point A to Point B, and overall save more money because I'm living back with my parents. I don't think that is a bad thing or makes me any less of a person, either. It's actually smart to live at home so you can save your money and move out into the world and live your own life. The only reason I mention that is because I prematurely moved out on my own at eighteen, against a lot of people advising me not to. But it's a lesson I learned the hard way. Do I regret it? No. I wouldn't have learned what I did if I hadn't. Do I wish I had gone about it a different way? Heck yes! I went through some really hard lessons during that season of my life. It's something I don't ever want to repeat in the future. But I'm thankful for what I did learn so I know what to do differently the second time around.

I think life is just a series of adventures and you can choose where you end up. You don't have to settle for your life the way it currently is. You have the power and a choice to change your outcome. Someone in my life that I respect and think very highly of told me this and I was not happy when he said it. To be honest, it angered me but I'm glad I was angry because I needed to hear it. One of his famous quotes I hear all the time, "If it's not important enough to you, you won't make it a priority". He said that I was the only one that could make a difference in my life. I am the only one that can choose what food I put in my body and whether or not I exercise, which is 100% true. It's a mindset and a lifestyle. Ever since he said it, it has stuck with me. It's amazing that I'm even saying it because I was so mad. (Funny how that works, isn't it?) But it actually makes a ton of sense.

One thing I would like to work on in my twenty-second year is bettering myself, whether it is working out and eating right, finding another job, going back to school, etc. I want this to be my year of change and growth. I don't want to be in the same place a year from now. I'd like to have different goals and hopefully accomplish bigger things by twenty-three. I think that's something that a lot of people say and do nothing about, but I don't want that to be the case for me.

The second thing I have wanted to work on is my self image. I've struggled with thinking positively and looking at all my strengths. Instead I've focused my mind on all the negatives and what I am currently, not what I COULD be. I don't want to look back when I'm forty years old and be miserable. I want to be forty years old and look at my life and see all that I've accomplished in twenty years and be satisfied with who I've become as a person. I know I have SO much room for improvement and growth and that's going to be my main focus. Life is about growth, about change, about improvement, and about becoming the person you truly want to be.

7 Things

Today I thought I would dedicate this post to my best friend and sister, Lindsey. In honor of the post, I thought I would title it "7 Things" because of one of our favorite songs by Miley Cyrus, called "7 Things". For 7 reasons, I thought I would write about her because I wanted her to know how thankful I am for her. I don't know what I would have done had she not been by my side all these years.

1) She ALWAYS has my back. This is not a joke. She always has my back. There have been a number of instances where others have said things about me in front of her and she has always defended me. Even when I was at my worst, she was there for me when I felt like I had no one else. I will forever be indebted to her.

2) She is talented in ways I wish I could be. My sister is incredibly talented when it comes to music, sports, and school. I don't want to say I'm "jealous" because that's a strong word, but I envy her abilities in those areas. I have to work twice as hard to get to her level of abilities and that has always been tough for me. But I am so proud of how far she has come.

3) She is one of my role models. Whether I want to hear it or not, she always gives me advice. She humbles me every time I start to lose sight of what's right or wrong. It's somewhat irritating, but I know she only does it because she loves me so much.

4) She has a great relationship with the Lord. I am envious of her relationship with God, because she is a better person because of Him. I have always flip flopped (of my own volition, of course), but Lindsey has always seems to stay connected to God. Obviously, she's not a perfect human because no one is, but I have always admired her because of her relationship with God.

5) She goes out of her way for me. When I first moved out a couple years ago, she gave me money when I didn't have any (or rather, when I spent all mine). She brought me food, household items, movies, etc. and never asked for anything in return. This weekend she showed me even more so that she has a servant's heart. She cleaned the downstairs area for me while I was sleeping, she helped me get ready for work when I was running late, helped gather all the trash, fold the laundry, etc. She is truly a Proverbs 31 woman in that area. I don't deserve that kind of treatment and I am so thankful for her and all that she does for me.

6) She is always encouraging me to keep playing instruments and writing. Lindsey knows very well that I quit singing, playing music, and writing because I didn't want to compare myself to her. I find that she is far more talented than me but she asks me to do it anyway because I want to, not out of competition against her.

7) She always says I love you. Even when I don't feel like I deserve it, she always says I love you like it's the last time we'll see each other. She always says "I love you" after I screw up. She forgives like it never happened. Even if we stay mad at each other for a while, she always says she loves me. I have never once questioned her love for me and that's about as Christ-like as a sinful human can be.

What I Would Tell My Sixteen Year Old Self Now

I have learned a lot in my 21 years of life. I've learned even more since I was 16. Since it's been almost 6 years, I thought I would do a new post like this. I'd like to think that I've gotten wiser with age and improved in some much needed areas.

To My Sixteen Year Old Self,

1. Don't stress over what you want to do with your life. You're only sixteen. You have a whole life ahead of you. God is the author of your life story and He is the only one who can bring it to completion. 

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

2. Don't focus on boys, school, the future, or money. Focus on bettering yourself and who you are in Christ. You are nothing without Him, and you can't do anything until you love God totally and completely. Everything will work out in the end when you listen to what God is asking of you.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

3. Friends come and go. Don't promise to be "best friends forever" with someone so young because most likely, after high school, you won't be as close. Not always for bad reasons, just different seasons of life for each person. There is a time for everything in life. New seasons, new friends, new growth.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

4. Makeup, hair, and nails are material things. God looks at the heart. He doesn't look at outer beauty. Be a good steward of your money and don't spend it on things you really can't afford. Beauty doesn't always have to be about the way you look. Beauty can come from your beautiful soul, your heart, your Christianity, your worth in Christ. 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves." 1 Peter 3:1-5

5. Love God. Love your family. Don't take anyone in your life close to you for granted. Your family loves you more than anyone else on the earth, and God cares and loves about you more than even your family! Your sin does not stop God from loving you. He loves you so much that He was willing to die a painful death for you. To wash your sins away as far as the east is from the west. 

John 3:16
Psalm 103:12
1 Peter 3:18


Thank you so much for reading this!

Life Lessons Series

It's 3am on January 5th, 2018 and I'm thinking about years past. One of my goals for the year was to write more, whether aimlessly or with direction. This area has been sorely lacking in my life and I want that to stop. I haven't done near as much as I did when I was in high school and I had a full load of classes then. My life has ceased to be exciting or adventurous, but I'm okay with that.

I have been thinking about how far I've come from 2014. I have become more of an adult and I've gone through a lot of life lessons. So, so many hard life lessons. This post is mostly about where I worked in the last few years and what it has taught me.

One question I always seem to get is, "Why do you work third shift?" Well, I'll answer that for you after I write a very detailed, long, backstory, so fasten your seat belts. Three years ago I moved out of my parents house and decided I wanted to live on my own and have a job that paid more than I was receiving at the time. I was advised not to do it, but I did anyway. Cue first eye roll. I moved to a town 25 miles away and worked at 2 restaurants and my aunt's flower shop one day a week, which worked out well for a while. . . .minus the busyness and the rude customers. Then I was getting cut early, my paychecks were getting smaller, and my spending was getting larger. So I pursued another restaurant job. Cue second eye roll. I then quit the first two jobs to pursue the 3rd restaurant and a local coffee shop job. Cue third eye roll. I know, this is getting a little eye-rollish. My behavior was less than stellar back then. What was I thinking? SERIOUSLY. I didn't have consistent "dough" coming in, as promised. I was working double shifts, getting cut early from shifts, and dealing with crappy, demanding, rude customers all day long. Unfortunately, I was let go from those two jobs within a week of each other. "Great", I thought. "Now I have NO money." So I put in applications at departments stores. I heard from one and about a week later, I was hired. But the only thing was, it was third shift. Not something I'd ever worked before. I was no stranger to middle of the night writing or watching TV or reading books, so I figured this would be all right. So, now I will get to answering the burning question, "Why do you work third shift?"

I work third shift because I was tired of working several day jobs that were getting me nowhere. The jobs required me to walk, talk, and stand for 8 hours saying hi to people. It may not seem like it, but I was getting burned out by it. I am an introvert so I gain energy by being alone, not around groups of people. I was surrounded by people all day long and I was exhausted. So when I was given the opportunity to work thirds, I thought I'd give it a shot. A year and a half and three locations later, I'm still working there. I don't work around people at all, I'm usually by myself. And while the loneliness can get to me in the middle of the night, I wouldn't trade my job for anything else right now. I feel as sane as I've ever been in my life. Never have I questioned why I was doing this. I know why I did thirds: so I would be around less people, have more time to think to myself and still be able to work without as many interruptions. It does require me to sleep during the day and miss out on some opportunities and family time, but my sanity is at normal levels.

My first life lesson: If you like your job, don't quit it to do something that you're not sure you can truly handle. Serving at a restaurant, for example. I tried it twice and got fired twice. Not my cup of tea and I'll never try it again. Not worth it. I commend the people who CAN do it, though. Seriously, hats off to you.

My second life lesson: If a family member is willing to give you a job, don't put them on the back burner. Family is ALWAYS in your corner. Other people are not, usually. Although working for family is not something I really like doing, I'm forever thankful that I was given several opportunities to work for them. It taught me things.

My third life lesson: Keeping a job for a long period of time will show other employers that you are reliable, stable, and able to hold down a job. I don't plan to be with this company FOREVER, but it's where I'll stay until I get a better sense of what I want to do with my life. If all I can do is work at this job for the rest of my life, then I'm fine with that. There's no use in quitting and searching for something. Contentment is something I'm working on this year, so I want to be content with where I am in every part of my life.

Thank you for reading this incredibly long story! I plan to do more posts about life lessons because they are SO important. I have learned so much since I went flying off the deep end. I'm in the shallow end and just floating, not so much drowning. I thank God for that every single day.