Ramblings of a 20-year-old

Writing used to come so easily for me back then. By back then, I mean high school. I used to write constantly. I always had something in my life that I wanted to write about. It's harder for me to write these days. My life is different now. I mostly just sit at my computer and stare at the blank page. The cursor is blinking and waiting for me to type something out. “Ugh,” I think. When you think you have inspiration inside that little brain of yours and the minute you sit down, everything goes blank. That’s me today. That’s been me for a year. I know it’s partly from it being an intense and crazy year. There’s almost too much I could write about, but none of it makes sense to actually put into words. A play? A book? A script? I want to try my hand at all of those things. For now, I'll settle for the blog. 

The topic of this post is just the ramblings of a 20 year old girl who's hopped up on little sleep, a gallon of coffee pulsing through my veins, and the endless hours of music through my earbuds. This is my own perfect little world and I love it. I currently really love my life. Flashback to a year and four months ago.... I hated my life. A "tragedy" struck me like lightning. I lost my first love. It has taken me an unbelievable amount of time to get over it and become friends with him once again. Some people might call me an idiot for doing so. But I always wanted to be friends with him again, whether or not he had a girlfriend. I just always wanted to be on good terms. He was my best friend....and boyfriend for a season. We had a good run and it's been time to move on. So I am finally there. Besides, I couldn't be happier for him. He seems to really be happy and that's good. That's what I always wanted. Plus, I'm happy, too. I've never been happier being single. I can make plans for what I want to do with my life. I spent 18 years of my life wanting to be older and get married, but that ship has sailed. I don't really want to touch marriage or kids with a ten foot pole. 

My biggest goal for my 20's, since I actually have about 9 more of those, is to take a U.S. road trip and someday, make it all the way to Europe. I have always wanted to go there since I saw "The Lizzie McGuire Movie"at 7 years old. I'm a girl who loves to actually travel, contrary to popular belief. One summer my family went to Disney World. I complained for the entire week about the walking and being in the sun. Granted, that was 8 years ago. I'm different now. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm different. I'm used to being on my feet for long periods of time now because of work, thank the Lord in heaven above, and what better way to spend your time than looking up at all the beautiful scenery that is in Europe? The only things I've seen are pictures... but pictures never do that place justice. 

I've always wanted to have a sense of adventure, since that is directly out of my comfort zone. But instead I spent most of my summer this year inside, in the air conditioning, instead of being outside in the 90 degree weather. Every single summer that passes makes me think about the year before and what I didn't do. I always change it for the next year, but I end up doing the same old thing. I even toyed with the idea of moving out of state, of course, staying with the company I currently work for. That is a sense of adventure I'd like to grab hold of. I know a lot of people that would shut this idea down almost immediately, but a girl can dream, right? Right.

Heaven Gained An Angel

The woman in the picture was my beautiful mother, Florence Ann Hale. She was born to Thomas Hale and Margaret Bauer (Hale) on January 9, 1958. She was the oldest of three girls. She was loved and adored by everyone. She was a violist in the symphony orchestra in Alabama. She was a teacher, writer, violist, wife, mother, and friend. On August 6, 1997, 19 years ago today, she died from a rare cancer called choriocarcinoma. If you don't know what that is, I've explained it down below and there's more to it at this link---->https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001496.htm.

In simple words, choriocarcinoma is a cancer that resides in the placenta and it grows as the baby grows. It spreads like wildfire to many and/or all organs. The doctors told my father back then that in most cases, the baby dies and the mother lives. Can't recall the percentages at the moment. But this was a God-given case, because three weeks after my sister was born, she passed away. 

It was God's plan to take her off this earth, even with a year and a half year old, barely month old newborn, and a husband who loved her so much. However, she's no longer in pain. So, I suppose you could call that a blessing in disguise. It definitely wasn't something that my dad or anyone else in the family would have ever planned for ourselves, but there was obviously a reason for it. We just didn't know it until about 7 years later when my dad met a woman who lived in Michigan. She changed my life forever, let me tell you.

I would never say that I'm happy my mother died, but there was obviously a plan orchestrated from her death... And for that, I'm thankful. If my mom wouldn't have died, Lindsey might not be here right now. I would've lost out on an incredible sister who never fails to love me and support me, even when I am the biggest screw up ever. She is my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime, my support system. Without my mother's death, I would've missed out on an incredible woman who taught me everything she knows about womanhood, maturity, adult life, etc. 

It's been 19 years and don't want to let her go. She has left a huge impact on my heart. I may not be anything like her or look anything like her, but from what others have told me, I was born from someone who was very deeply loved by so many people. And that.... is a gift in and of itself.

Punching Fear In The Face

If anyone knows me at all, they know that I love to sing and write. But they also know that I hate sharing those things with people. I don't like people to hear me sing or read my writing, because I'm not ready for the criticism. Constructive or not. I'm not ready for someone to tell me what I need to fix. It's a selfish thing, don't get me wrong. But I just like things the way they are. Now I'm trying to use it as a way to get better! If I don't know what I need to fix, how will I ever get better?! 

I had a friend tell me this week that I worry too much about other people's opinions and that I let fear take over my life. It's the absolute truth. I'm always afraid that I'll look stupid, sound stupid, or mess up in front of people. I was also reminded that I'm not the only person who has the same fears... but you overcome them when you keep going at it and don't give up when things get hard.

With writing and singing, there is always going to be room for improvement. You can make your voice better and stronger by singing higher and practicing ALL.THE.TIME. You can make your writing better if you persist. I have come to realize I can't get to the top without starting at the bottom. I have to crawl before I walk. Or as my father says, "You have to put the cart before the horse." Thanks, dad.

I'm beginning to find the place where I can share my work again. I'm going to punch fear in the face and allow others in, even if I have to swallow my pride. What's the point of having a blog if you don't want other people to read it, and really understand who you are, and how you're feeling? It's a lot easier said than done, but that's something I'm going to be working on. My first baby step is to share this and I'll go from there. 

:)

Top 10 Random Facts About Me

I think most bloggers write a "Top 10 Facts About Me" post and I decided to do that today. A lot of people don't know some of the little things about me. If you're reading this and you do know, you're probably nodding your head in agreement with every single fact. Starting with #10:

10. My guilty pleasure TV shows are: That 70s Show, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Gilmore Girls, Pretty Little Liars, Young & Hungry, How I Met Your Mother, The Office, Friends . . . But not particularly in this order. 

9. Ralph Waldo Emerson, R.M. Drake, and F. Scott Fitzgerald are hands down my favorite writers. Everything they write is so profound and honestly speak inside my soul. 

8. I love coffee. Any and all kinds. I'm made up of about 95% coffee. If you don't believe me, watch a coffee pot like a hawk. I'll down that thing in a whole day. On my own.

7. Buffalo wings are my go-to food. I seriously ate them on a date once. Not my brightest idea, but that's how much I love them. Like, you honestly have no idea.

6. I'm deathly afraid of sharks. They scare the heebie jeebies out of me. 

5. Music, singing, and writing are all my passions rolled into one. Collaborating with my sister; her music, my words... is going to be a thing at some point. We'll be the famous Skidmore Sisters that everyone talks about.

4. If there's one piece of makeup that I couldn't live without, it'd be mascara. Lashes have gotta be long and luscious. 

3. Europe is the top place to visit on my bucket list. I can't get over how beautiful it is, just from pictures I've seen. 

2. I am a night owl and an early riser. Don't ask me how I do it, cause honestly, I don't even know.

1. My biological mother died when I was 15 months old. I got a new mom when I was 7 years old and I don't know what I'd do without her. I love her to death. She's amazing.

Well, those are 10 facts about me. I hope you learned a little bit more about me and maybe in the future I'll do another 10 facts! 

I Don't Know About You... But I'm Feelin' 22.

Happiest of birthdays to my life-long friend and sister (by love). She turns 22 today. I feel so blessed to have known her for as long as 12 years. When you first meet at 8 and 10 years old, and you've known a person for 12 years, it feels like such a long time! 

I've learned so much from her over the years and there is so much that I love about her and I want to share them:

She taught me how to love God.
She taught me how to love myself.
She taught me about fashion.
She taught me how to sew (barely).
She showed me how to study the Bible. 
She showed me the importance of books.
She showed me that makeup doesn't matter... that what's on the inside counts.
She gave me a love for coffee (of all kinds).
She gave me my love for How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Seinfeld, and The Office.
She gave me a love for all different kinds of music. 
She shows compassion for the weary. 
She doesn't keep a record of every wrongdoing a person does to her.
She loves even those who hurt her and willingly forgives them. 
She stands up for herself and doesn't let anything or anyone stand in her way.
She is strong and strong-willed.
She is intelligent and wise... way beyond her 22 years.
She is the sweetest person you could ever meet. She wouldn't hurt a fly. But she definitely could.
She is always there when you need her... even if she doesn't get back to you right away.
She is an amazing friend, even when you aren't one back to her. 
She is honest and loyal.
She is patient.
She is loving and lovable. . . . all 5"2' of her.

Happy Birthday, girl. I wish I could share this special day with you. Since I can't, I'm hoping that this will show you just how much I appreciate you and your beautiful presence in my life. Our lives were perfectly fabricated on that summer day in June of 2004, where we would meet and become friends. I didn't know then what impact you would have on my life as of today. However, I can honestly say you were one of the greatest gifts I could have ever been given, because I can't picture a single second of my life without you. Thank you for being who you are, loving who I am, and for always staying true to yourself. Thank you for being so much like a sister than just a friend. I love you so much. Have a happy birthday and enjoy this beautiful day! 

20. SAY WHAT?!

Hey! I haven't written in a while so I figured I'd come back after my 20th birthday. It's crazy that I'm no longer a teenager. SAY WHAT?! I've been a teenager for 7 years and now I've entered into a new decade of all 20's... And since I've entered into a new decade, I want to make a list of 20 things I want to change about myself or would like to accomplish in the next year to ten years.

1. I want to become more confident in who I am as a person. 
2. I want to change my diet/workout habits.
3. I want to take my love of writing and turn it into a job.
4. I want to spend less money and save more.
5. I want to go to cosmetology school and learn more about hair/nails/makeup.
6. I want to decorate my house/my room in an Instagram worthy fashion.
7. I want to save enough money to get myself to Europe. 
8. I want to learn how to cook. (This has to be a thing.)
9. I want to learn how to sew. (This also has to be a thing.)
10. I want to own a weiner dog and name him Tobey or her Princess.
11. I want to have an outdoor wedding & later on down the road have pretty babies.
12. I want to expand my horizons with oriental food. 
13. I want to become less shy. (This really needs to become a thing)
14. I want to learn to speak French. (Been saying this for about 8 years. Gonna do it for real)
15. I want to learn more about fashion and how to style my outfits better. 
16. I want to slowly cut out the foods I'm allergic to. (I'd feel like 10x better if I did)
17. I want to pick up my guitar again and play it more, especially in front of people.
18. I want to drive around the U.S. with friends and just go exploring.
19. I want to explore new music and new coffee shops.
20. I want to make my relationship with God the most important thing, above all else.

I will most likely update the list as I do everything, but I'm hoping that I can make the next 10 years my most exciting and most changeable years. I want to grow as a person and become the best Megan Isabel Skidmore that I know I can be. Here's to 20 more years!