Peace

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you two.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes in hurts instead."

Those are the words that cause me to ache. It's lyrics to Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I literally find it hilarious that not even 10 days ago, I wrote a blog post to a person who caused me a lot of pain in the last 6 months, but even more so in the last year. This person caused me pain, depression, heartbreak, confusion, loneliness, bitterness, and jealousy, you name it. Here I am again... writing..... still holding on. Still letting all of the things above get to me. Still letting that person control me without even talking to them. Still hurting and not moving on. Still allowing the girl he's with to cause me great anger and jealousy. But not anymore.

Tonight... at 11, two girls sat with me in a coffee shop. One I've known for years, but one I just met. They are both godsends. They let me ramble on about crap in my life... stuff I hate bringing up and admitting. My blemishes and imperfections. But they truly helped me. In ways I didn't even know were possible. They helped me realize that my worth is in CHRIST alone, not a boy. I knew that, I just didn't think about it. I have been putting all my energy into guys and haven't even embraced the joy that is God. I'm shameful to admit that I probably haven't opened my Bible in over a year. I didn't feel convicted about it until tonight... when I was on the verge of spilling more buckets of tears than I'd already spilled this afternoon. I still don't want to do it. I don't even want to open it up to see what God has for me. I want to wallow because I want to do life by myself. I don't want people to help me. I would just rather wallow in my sin and pain and depression. 

But Christ DIED for me. He died on the cross so that I might live... I no longer have to make up for my sins because He already did that. He wants those sins put on His shoulders. That's what He's there for. And I haven't done that. I have replaced God with people... The people that will disappoint me the most. I haven't fully given my heart and fears and insecurities to God. I've relied on myself to carry my own burdens. Which by the way, isn't working. I'm failing miserably.

It took two precious girls to help me realize that. I'm shedding a lot of tears as I write this, because I'm hurt. I'll probably hurt for a while, but I know that God will create something beautiful out of it.

Romans 8:28-- And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

God is the ultimate healer. I know that He won't heal me right away. Definitely not. It may take days, weeks, months, or years. I may never heal. But I know that God will create a rainbow out of this heavy rain. I know that my trials and tribulations are still there and I still have a heavy weight on my shoulders, but I feel a sense of peace.

And peace is all I need right now to move on.

To The First Man I Ever Gave My Heart To

I gave my heart to you with hopes that we'd last longer than 2.5 years. 

But we didn't. We barely lasted those years, even though we were technically still together. We fought constantly in the last few months before our nasty breakup. I don't think either of us wanted to be in the relationship anymore, we just didn't really know how to come to terms with it. It shouldn't have been that hard to be with someone...and losing you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I lost not only a boyfriend, but I lost my high school sweetheart and best friend, the one person I told all my secrets, fears, ambitions, and dreams to without being ashamed or embarrassed. I had never trusted anyone else that much with my life. And you tore my heart to pieces. I don't think you meant to, but you did. And it hurt like hell. I was broken hearted for months. I gained 40 pounds and let my house become a trash bin. I cried buckets for a month and a half. Then I couldn't cry anymore. I was tapped out. Slowly but surely, I was getting over you.

Now that we're a day past six months of being apart, I know I'm fine without you. Never thought I would be, but I am. I have moved on. I have come to terms with the fact that we will never be together again. And I am totally okay with that. I won't ever love you like I did before and probably won't ever trust you again, but I won't ever hate you for what you did. Things were a lot different than they are now. We're older, getting more mature, making life decisions we didn't have to make in high school. I guess sometimes you don't always end up being with the person you thought you would. I always thought we'd end up together, but I'm going to be honest... I'm glad we didn't. We wouldn't have been happy and the relationship would've gone terribly wrong had we stayed together. As much as it hurt to lose you, I know that I can go on and leave you in my high school memories. The verse that helped me get through all this was Isaiah 41:10,

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

I never thought I would ever say this, but thank you for breaking up with me. If you hadn't, I don't think I would have ever been able to do half the things I've done since we've been apart. I moved to a different city, switched jobs, and got a new place to live. I'm making friends and putting myself out there. I'm trying new things, going on adventures, and I'm happy and content with where my life is. God has brought me to that place. And I hope the same for you. I hope you're doing everything you told me you wanted to do when we were together. I hope you're actually living the way you say you wanted to and I hope that you are serious about your relationship with God like you said you wanted to be. I seriously wish you the best in life and I honestly do hope that you find a woman that makes you happy. 

With all that being said, I will say... Farewell. We had a good run. Good luck with everything and God Bless.

Sincerely,


Megan