I wish nothing but the best for you two.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes in hurts instead."
Those are the words that cause me to ache. It's lyrics to Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I literally find it hilarious that not even 10 days ago, I wrote a blog post to a person who caused me a lot of pain in the last 6 months, but even more so in the last year. This person caused me pain, depression, heartbreak, confusion, loneliness, bitterness, and jealousy, you name it. Here I am again... writing..... still holding on. Still letting all of the things above get to me. Still letting that person control me without even talking to them. Still hurting and not moving on. Still allowing the girl he's with to cause me great anger and jealousy. But not anymore.
Tonight... at 11, two girls sat with me in a coffee shop. One I've known for years, but one I just met. They are both godsends. They let me ramble on about crap in my life... stuff I hate bringing up and admitting. My blemishes and imperfections. But they truly helped me. In ways I didn't even know were possible. They helped me realize that my worth is in CHRIST alone, not a boy. I knew that, I just didn't think about it. I have been putting all my energy into guys and haven't even embraced the joy that is God. I'm shameful to admit that I probably haven't opened my Bible in over a year. I didn't feel convicted about it until tonight... when I was on the verge of spilling more buckets of tears than I'd already spilled this afternoon. I still don't want to do it. I don't even want to open it up to see what God has for me. I want to wallow because I want to do life by myself. I don't want people to help me. I would just rather wallow in my sin and pain and depression.
But Christ DIED for me. He died on the cross so that I might live... I no longer have to make up for my sins because He already did that. He wants those sins put on His shoulders. That's what He's there for. And I haven't done that. I have replaced God with people... The people that will disappoint me the most. I haven't fully given my heart and fears and insecurities to God. I've relied on myself to carry my own burdens. Which by the way, isn't working. I'm failing miserably.
It took two precious girls to help me realize that. I'm shedding a lot of tears as I write this, because I'm hurt. I'll probably hurt for a while, but I know that God will create something beautiful out of it.
God is the ultimate healer. I know that He won't heal me right away. Definitely not. It may take days, weeks, months, or years. I may never heal. But I know that God will create a rainbow out of this heavy rain. I know that my trials and tribulations are still there and I still have a heavy weight on my shoulders, but I feel a sense of peace.
Romans 8:28-- And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
And peace is all I need right now to move on.
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