Peace

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you two.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes in hurts instead."

Those are the words that cause me to ache. It's lyrics to Adele's song, "Someone Like You". I literally find it hilarious that not even 10 days ago, I wrote a blog post to a person who caused me a lot of pain in the last 6 months, but even more so in the last year. This person caused me pain, depression, heartbreak, confusion, loneliness, bitterness, and jealousy, you name it. Here I am again... writing..... still holding on. Still letting all of the things above get to me. Still letting that person control me without even talking to them. Still hurting and not moving on. Still allowing the girl he's with to cause me great anger and jealousy. But not anymore.

Tonight... at 11, two girls sat with me in a coffee shop. One I've known for years, but one I just met. They are both godsends. They let me ramble on about crap in my life... stuff I hate bringing up and admitting. My blemishes and imperfections. But they truly helped me. In ways I didn't even know were possible. They helped me realize that my worth is in CHRIST alone, not a boy. I knew that, I just didn't think about it. I have been putting all my energy into guys and haven't even embraced the joy that is God. I'm shameful to admit that I probably haven't opened my Bible in over a year. I didn't feel convicted about it until tonight... when I was on the verge of spilling more buckets of tears than I'd already spilled this afternoon. I still don't want to do it. I don't even want to open it up to see what God has for me. I want to wallow because I want to do life by myself. I don't want people to help me. I would just rather wallow in my sin and pain and depression. 

But Christ DIED for me. He died on the cross so that I might live... I no longer have to make up for my sins because He already did that. He wants those sins put on His shoulders. That's what He's there for. And I haven't done that. I have replaced God with people... The people that will disappoint me the most. I haven't fully given my heart and fears and insecurities to God. I've relied on myself to carry my own burdens. Which by the way, isn't working. I'm failing miserably.

It took two precious girls to help me realize that. I'm shedding a lot of tears as I write this, because I'm hurt. I'll probably hurt for a while, but I know that God will create something beautiful out of it.

Romans 8:28-- And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

God is the ultimate healer. I know that He won't heal me right away. Definitely not. It may take days, weeks, months, or years. I may never heal. But I know that God will create a rainbow out of this heavy rain. I know that my trials and tribulations are still there and I still have a heavy weight on my shoulders, but I feel a sense of peace.

And peace is all I need right now to move on.

To The First Man I Ever Gave My Heart To

I gave my heart to you with hopes that we'd last longer than 2.5 years. 

But we didn't. We barely lasted those years, even though we were technically still together. We fought constantly in the last few months before our nasty breakup. I don't think either of us wanted to be in the relationship anymore, we just didn't really know how to come to terms with it. It shouldn't have been that hard to be with someone...and losing you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I lost not only a boyfriend, but I lost my high school sweetheart and best friend, the one person I told all my secrets, fears, ambitions, and dreams to without being ashamed or embarrassed. I had never trusted anyone else that much with my life. And you tore my heart to pieces. I don't think you meant to, but you did. And it hurt like hell. I was broken hearted for months. I gained 40 pounds and let my house become a trash bin. I cried buckets for a month and a half. Then I couldn't cry anymore. I was tapped out. Slowly but surely, I was getting over you.

Now that we're a day past six months of being apart, I know I'm fine without you. Never thought I would be, but I am. I have moved on. I have come to terms with the fact that we will never be together again. And I am totally okay with that. I won't ever love you like I did before and probably won't ever trust you again, but I won't ever hate you for what you did. Things were a lot different than they are now. We're older, getting more mature, making life decisions we didn't have to make in high school. I guess sometimes you don't always end up being with the person you thought you would. I always thought we'd end up together, but I'm going to be honest... I'm glad we didn't. We wouldn't have been happy and the relationship would've gone terribly wrong had we stayed together. As much as it hurt to lose you, I know that I can go on and leave you in my high school memories. The verse that helped me get through all this was Isaiah 41:10,

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

I never thought I would ever say this, but thank you for breaking up with me. If you hadn't, I don't think I would have ever been able to do half the things I've done since we've been apart. I moved to a different city, switched jobs, and got a new place to live. I'm making friends and putting myself out there. I'm trying new things, going on adventures, and I'm happy and content with where my life is. God has brought me to that place. And I hope the same for you. I hope you're doing everything you told me you wanted to do when we were together. I hope you're actually living the way you say you wanted to and I hope that you are serious about your relationship with God like you said you wanted to be. I seriously wish you the best in life and I honestly do hope that you find a woman that makes you happy. 

With all that being said, I will say... Farewell. We had a good run. Good luck with everything and God Bless.

Sincerely,


Megan

To My Dearest Friends

I have been blessed in my life to find people that know most everything about me... and still want to be in my life. They know my good and bad qualities, my quirks, my fears, my overreactions, etc. They know all of that stuff and yet they still are my friends. I can tell them pretty much anything and not be embarrassed about it. Some of them I have just met and some of them have been in my life for a long time. But I just wanted to take the time to thank them here.

Abbie--You have been my longest friend...11 years! We may not have been "best friends" until 6 years ago, but you have been in my life for so long that I can't ever picture my life without you. I know you will always be there even if you're not always "there". You have helped me get through several boys, breakups, heartaches, you've been my shoulder to cry on, you've helped me with my homework, stayed up talking to me at night when I have needed it, you helped me write some of the most LAME stories ever, you've been excited for me when I go on dates, you literally tackled me when I said I was fat, you trusted me with your life and opened your heart with me, you've stayed up to shave your legs with me at 2 in the morning, you and I have had best friend dates and have gone to see romantic movies and dinners together, you led me around New York and took me to the beach and we bought floppy hats and sat in the hot sun together in the middle of June, and you're always there to lend a hand and to give great, godly advice. You're downright amazing. Thank you so much for all you've ever done for me and for everything you will do in the future. I feel incredibly blessed to have you in my life and call you my best friend. I don't know what my life would look like without you in it! I love you so much and can't wait until I can see you again:)

Sarah Anne-- We have been friends for what, like, 7 years now?! I remember the day you and I met. It was at a New Year's Eve party. I don't remember all the events that took place but I knew that wherever you went, I went too! We became friends from that point on and you've continually stayed in my life which is amazing, because of all that you have had to put up with! We've been friends through the weird, no-makeup stages, the braces, the pimples, driver's training, and puberty. (Yuck) We've had our ups and downs and we've had a few fights but we always come back to each other in the end. We've had countless sleepovers where you and I have done prank calls to people we know, stayed up until 4am talking about boys and calling them ;), we've spent years together in youth group, at camp, went to high school together, you were with me during my various panic attacks, you have stayed up late at my house (even when I wasn't there) just to help me get back on the right track, and now we're going to be roomies! Can you believe that?! It has always been a pleasure to have you in my life! I don't know what my life would have looked like all throughout these years if you hadn't been there. You always bring laughter and excitement to my life and I can't wait to see more of you when we live together. It's going to be a great adventure! Love you! :)

Sarah Z (and CJ)-- You've been one of my closest friends for almost 6 years now. I can't believe it's really been that long. I remember the day I met you! It was at a youth group event. Some mutual friends introduced us and from that point on, we were pretty close friends. We texted nonstop for 2 weeks! We never saw each other and had conflicting schedules and that always sucked, but now that you are married and I'm an adult (and I can drive), we have gotten together a lot more often, which I have happily taken advantage of! (And thank you CJ for letting me steal your wife for hours in the last few weeks!) But in all seriousness, you truly have been one of the most influential people in my life. You have helped me through so much of my teen years and you have always given me the greatest advice when it came to guys, God, work, school, etc. You have always been there for me when I've needed to talk, you've always invited me to your parties, you've always been there when I've needed to cry to someone, you laughed at me when I squeezed the life out of your hand and cussed at the workers in the haunted house, you and your husband have paid for various things for me and you guys let me eat your food, you've listened to me ramble on and on about the things you've heard a dozen times, you are willing to teach me how to snowboard, and you've always opened up your home to me when I needed to get out of town. You even wasted your gas to come all the way to Owosso to help me clean my house and get over dumb boys ;) You're an amazing, true friend. I love you so much and just wanted to thank you for everything you've ever done for me. :) I don't know what I'd do without you!

David-- It's only been 3 weeks since I've "officially" known about your existence, but your existence has been a pleasure to be around. I've never met anyone in my entire life that I could connect with so fast (on a friendship level) besides you. Literally the first night we met, we stayed up until 5 in the morning and attempted to watch a horror movie but then we just talked and laughed (and kept Sarah up). That made me feel like I have known you my whole life. Meeting you (or according to Sarah, being set up) was one of the best things that has happened to me in the last half of this year.. I've been through a lot and you've just made it easier for me. You've been there to listen to me ramble on the phone about the most random things, you've been (a part of) my support system, you've helped me work through some personal battles, you've gotten me to laugh until I peed my pants or cried, you held my hand in the haunted house when I was scared and freaking out while hyperventilating, you've gotten me to smile so much that my face hurts afterward, you've taken me to the movies and bought me dinners, and best of all... you've cared about me so much that you've offered to help me with things and have asked me if I'm doing okay, every single day. Thank you for being so sweet and for making things less difficult for me. You've been an amazing friend and I can't wait to get to know you better.. for years to come:)

Friends like this don't always come around.. but when they do, hold them close! These people are amazing and I'm so glad I've had the privilege of meeting them, growing up with them, and spending time in my adult life with them. I have not always made friends easily and obviously all of them have known that, but they have stayed in my life regardless! They are all meaningful to me and I'm so glad God hand-picked them to walk into my life. I am forever grateful and happy to know them and love them. :)

Future Husband Qualities

I recently was looking at articles online and I came across one for "Future Wife Qualities". I read through it and it was all about the girl's appearance. It was less about qualities that truly should matter when you are trying to plan a life with someone else. I have always been the girl dreaming about who I would marry since I was about 5 years old. So, I'd like to pick someone who isn't as concerned with my looks as much as my qualities. I have a long pinterest board filled with my wedding day ideas! But the wedding is not near as important as the marriage is. Marriage is such a milestone because that means you have found the person you would (potentially) be spending the rest of your life with. How great is that?!

When I date a man, I date with the intention of marrying the person. I think that's good rule to live by when it comes to sharing your life with another person. When I meet a new guy, I will sometimes jump too quick in it and sometimes bring up the "marriage" talk too soon and it freaks them out (been there, done that). What I want to try to do better with that is just pray to God and ask Him to protect my heart in case something doesn't go right, but I also pray that whatever the relationship happens to be, that it be God's will, not mine. I have tried to "run" and "take charge" on my own in relationships and they have always failed miserably. If I keep insisting on my own way of doing things, I'll either never marry at all or I'll marry the wrong guy and end up divorced (two extremes I pray never happen). But I have certain qualities I'd like to see my future husband have just as my own personal preference. The qualities I will list are the most important to me. 

1) A man who LOVES the Lord. I have been with too many guys that have not loved or pursued the Lord. I want a man strong in his relationship with God. It's essential to make a marriage work and under God's terms. I want to marry a man who encourages me everyday to love the Lord and be like Jesus!

2) A man who can lead me to righteousness without having leadership capabilities. I know that God does not call all men to be leaders and that's okay. I don't care about that as much as I care about God putting a man in my life that can lead me to Christ everyday. I want a man who will lead Bible studies, who will pray with me, and who will pray FOR me. That's so important!

3) A man that is my best friend. I want to marry my best friend. A best friend is someone you spend all your time with. I want to marry someone that, beforehand, I am fully able to trust with my life and a person I can cry to and not be embarrassed about it, someone who sees my good side and my bad side, my quirks, my struggles, my fears, and more and still wants to spend their life with me. I feel like that's always the best kind of relationship :)

4) A man who can make me laugh and someone I can have a good time with. I can't picture myself marrying a man who is tense and can't joke around once in awhile, because I love poking fun! But also don't want to marry a person that doesn't laugh at me for making stupid jokes, because I do that A LOT. (I like to think for a minute that I'm actually funny!) But someone who doesn't know how to put a filter on teasing is a major turn off, because sometimes it can go too far. I want a man who knows how to be both serious and funny without being hurtful. 

5) A man who is patient with me. I am STUBBORN and hardheaded. It's who I've always been since I was a kid. I don't know that that will ever change, though, I pray that it does. I'd pursue a man who can help me in this area especially if he is usually calm and collected himself! I will pursue a man who will pray with and for me concerning this particular area. 

6) A man who respects me and my family. I can't pursue a man that doesn't respect me, my family, or my friends even if they do something that isn't right. People make mistakes and they aren't perfect. A man who is able to get outside of his pride and is willing to apologize for wrongdoings is a man worth marrying. 

7) A man that can help me be more adventurous (because I love my comfort zone!) I have never been willing to get outside of my comfort zone. So I will pursue a man that can try to get me to try different things since I usually won't do that on my own. I am usually not one to try things that are dangerous, but I want a man who is willing to work with me on stepping out of my comfort zone in a safe way! 

8) A man who is willing to include me in decision making process. I want to pursue a man who is able to make decisions for the most part, but will include me in them by asking me, "What do you think, hon? Should we go in this direction or should we stay where we're at?" Those are the kinds of questions I want to be asked depending on what the situation is. I don't want to be controlled like I am a puppet and he is the puppet master. I want a man to see me as his equal if I plan to marry him. 

9) A man who is Godly. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with #1, but I wanted to make a separate category because there is so much that I want to see for a future spouse in this area! A man who prays for me, about me, about our family, about our relationship, seeks God first, reads the Bible on a consistent basis, loves God before me, and really truly has God at the center of his life. I want to pursue a man that will make me a better Christian just by being with him!

10) A family man and fatherly figure. This is one of the most important ones for me. I plan to be a mom in the near future and I want to pursue a man that can be an example to their future sons/daughters and help their children grow up in a good family environment. I want a man who cares more about being around his children rather than trying to keep the house perfectly clean 100% of the time. Parenthood is messy! Children are messy! It's going to happen. :)

Those are the 10 qualities I'd like to see in any future boyfriend and potential husband. I don't see myself marrying for a few more years, but I'll be looking out for this man! I believe he is out there somewhere in the world and I pray for him often :) 

xoxo 

Megan

My Heart Speaks... Part 1

I never thought I'd have the strength to write what I'm about to. I have this extreme fear that anyone who reads this is going to know who I'm writing about and know exactly what went down and that frightens me. Because I'm afraid the person I'm writing about is going to find this and read it and be hurt. . . . but it's on my heart and needs to be out. I am writing this in TOTAL confidence. So here it goes:

I recently just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with a guy I thought I was going to marry. We were totally in love and everything was going great or so I thought... and then we started fighting a lot. I don't know when it happened, but we just got in little spats about things. We would make up and everything would be fine and then we would be fighting all over again. It got to the point where we were seeing less and less of each other and everyone knew it. My parents saw the end of the relationship coming and so did I. . . just not when it happened.

We had just gotten into a fight two days before and it was one of the biggest ones we'd ever had. He dropped me off after we were done talking and told me he loved me, but I didn't say it back. I made a face that said, "Yeah, whatever" because I was so mad at him....I slammed the door to his truck and stomped up my stairs. I threw the promise ring he gave me across my room and plopped on my bed and screamed A LOT. I was angry. I had it in my head that my anger was justifiable. I thought I was in the right. To this day, I still don't know what I was so angry about.

Anyway, I had consulted some friends about the situation and they had assured me everything would be okay. But it wasn't. Two days later, I hadn't heard from my boyfriend and he texts me to tell me he's coming over to talk to me. And that's when it happened. He stayed for an hour to talk. He broke up with me and all I did was cry. I begged and pleaded for him to give me another chance, but instead he just got up and walked out the door. I cried for the next month and a half. I was completely heartbroken.

I'd had other flings with guys and gotten my heart broken, but this was my best friend. The person I had confided and trusted in for 4 years. I had let him in my life and I gave him parts of my heart and in the end, I ended up getting hurt. I never thought I'd see the end of the relationship. It has been one of the most painful things I have EVER had to go through... SO PAINFUL. I don't recommend it. So many people get involved and more than 2 people get hurt... the families involved get hurt too. Not fun.

On the 9th of October, it will be 4 months since that dreadful day. I hate marking days like that normally, but I'm trying to view it as progress the farther along I get. 4 months of progress, slowly getting over the pain and starting my life over. I'm trying to just be me again... keep guys out of the picture and just focus on my career. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get this far without my closest friends, family, and most importantly God. My relationship with God has been so rocky for so long..... For the last 4 months, I have been able to completely rely on God to get me through every single day... and slowly the days get easier.

I believe that God (quite literally) drug me by my ears kicking and screaming just to show me that he has a greater plan for me than I have for myself. I think that was one of the things He was always trying to tell me but through my parents and mentors... and I ignored it. And that's when I knew that maybe God did this to get my attention and to bring myself closer to Him. It was painful, but Jesus knew this life on earth wouldn't be easy to live.

I'm feeling blessed even though I feel like I have a lot of things going against me. I know that I am loved even though at the same time, I don't feel as though I am. I know that I can go through this, even though I don't feel like I can. But I'm going to.... someday.