My Heart Speaks... Part 1

I never thought I'd have the strength to write what I'm about to. I have this extreme fear that anyone who reads this is going to know who I'm writing about and know exactly what went down and that frightens me. Because I'm afraid the person I'm writing about is going to find this and read it and be hurt. . . . but it's on my heart and needs to be out. I am writing this in TOTAL confidence. So here it goes:

I recently just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with a guy I thought I was going to marry. We were totally in love and everything was going great or so I thought... and then we started fighting a lot. I don't know when it happened, but we just got in little spats about things. We would make up and everything would be fine and then we would be fighting all over again. It got to the point where we were seeing less and less of each other and everyone knew it. My parents saw the end of the relationship coming and so did I. . . just not when it happened.

We had just gotten into a fight two days before and it was one of the biggest ones we'd ever had. He dropped me off after we were done talking and told me he loved me, but I didn't say it back. I made a face that said, "Yeah, whatever" because I was so mad at him....I slammed the door to his truck and stomped up my stairs. I threw the promise ring he gave me across my room and plopped on my bed and screamed A LOT. I was angry. I had it in my head that my anger was justifiable. I thought I was in the right. To this day, I still don't know what I was so angry about.

Anyway, I had consulted some friends about the situation and they had assured me everything would be okay. But it wasn't. Two days later, I hadn't heard from my boyfriend and he texts me to tell me he's coming over to talk to me. And that's when it happened. He stayed for an hour to talk. He broke up with me and all I did was cry. I begged and pleaded for him to give me another chance, but instead he just got up and walked out the door. I cried for the next month and a half. I was completely heartbroken.

I'd had other flings with guys and gotten my heart broken, but this was my best friend. The person I had confided and trusted in for 4 years. I had let him in my life and I gave him parts of my heart and in the end, I ended up getting hurt. I never thought I'd see the end of the relationship. It has been one of the most painful things I have EVER had to go through... SO PAINFUL. I don't recommend it. So many people get involved and more than 2 people get hurt... the families involved get hurt too. Not fun.

On the 9th of October, it will be 4 months since that dreadful day. I hate marking days like that normally, but I'm trying to view it as progress the farther along I get. 4 months of progress, slowly getting over the pain and starting my life over. I'm trying to just be me again... keep guys out of the picture and just focus on my career. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get this far without my closest friends, family, and most importantly God. My relationship with God has been so rocky for so long..... For the last 4 months, I have been able to completely rely on God to get me through every single day... and slowly the days get easier.

I believe that God (quite literally) drug me by my ears kicking and screaming just to show me that he has a greater plan for me than I have for myself. I think that was one of the things He was always trying to tell me but through my parents and mentors... and I ignored it. And that's when I knew that maybe God did this to get my attention and to bring myself closer to Him. It was painful, but Jesus knew this life on earth wouldn't be easy to live.

I'm feeling blessed even though I feel like I have a lot of things going against me. I know that I am loved even though at the same time, I don't feel as though I am. I know that I can go through this, even though I don't feel like I can. But I'm going to.... someday.