It's Okay

Writing has always been a passion of mine. My favorite format on which to write is my blog. I love that I can speak my mind and I don't have to have it graded on by a teacher and don't have to be ashamed of people reading this. It can just be me, my heart, my head, and my fingers working together to create something. There's something about sharing what's on my mind that makes me feel better about things.

What's on my mind tonight at 12:36 a.m. is the fact that I no longer have a set plan in my life. I had planned to marry my high school sweetheart, be in college working towards a degree in the medical field (still the plan), maybe setting up to have a few kids, and buy a house. Well, that plan backfired (mostly). I'm still in school and living on my own (in an apartment.. no house), but I'm single as a pringle, as some kids would say. If I'm being honest, I'm actually okay with that. I haven't been single in about 3 years so it's refreshing to have this time with God to just figure out who I am, alone. (Who am I kidding? It's refreshing for about 2 seconds and then I find myself crushing on the next guy I meet.)

Although, something else I hadn't really planned is the fact that I just picked up and moved to a new town where I know basically no one (I know only 2 handfuls of people), to a church that I'm only slightly familiar with, and to a place where there might not be job security... and all with a friend who has been in my life for 8 years now. But that's okay. It's what I decided to do. I'm happy with the decision and I feel like it's right for me right now. 

I'm okay with not knowing what's going to happen to me. I kinda have this adrenaline rush when I think about it. My love life is somewhere near non-existent, my self esteem has hit rock bottom, my school life is stressful and exhausting, and I'm exhausted (could be the coffee, could be my late night worrying, who knows). I didn't really want to see my life hit this spot. But it did. And it's okay. I'm okay. I'm still surviving, still hanging on by a thread. I may not have a man (and I may be scaring them away), may not make the smartest decisions (moving without talking to anyone first), may be stressed out for about 95% of my life and losing sleep because of it, but I'm still going. 

That's my plan. To "just keep swimming". To move forward with my life. Not have high expectations, not to try to make something out of nothing, not to force anything to happen, not to WORRY. Worrying may give me something to do but it gets me absolutely nowhere. I have neither the time nor the energy to even care anymore about making things in my life happen. God always ends up opening my eyes about trying to do things my own way, anyhow. This post is to save myself the trouble and remind myself that HE holds my future in HIS hands. God has everything under control. Whether or not I want to believe that truth. It's the absolute truth. I know that anyone reading this will be in my face screaming, "Uh, duh! I've been trying to tell you this for a long time!" 

My hope for this next upcoming year is that I make it a year of no regrets. I want to go on adventures, get out of my comfort zone, explore new places, eat foods I'd once cringed at trying, meet new people even though that scares the daylights out of me, and much more. I don't want to make plans. I just want things to happen and let life takes its course. Like the element of surprise. I don't want to set the bar too high and end up disappointed. I want to just allow God to take me wherever He chooses and I want to be okay with it. Because in the end, I know I'm going to be okay. Just like I am now.